Caregiver Burnout Was Killing Me—Until I Made This Vow (2024)

In March 2014, on my way back from visiting my parents' house in Florida, I pulled over to pick up fast food. I was making the 6-hour return trip to my home in Atlanta for the sixth time in six months, and I needed something easy. When you're caregiving for two parents who live out of state, all you want is easy. You eat whatever is around.

In 1996, when my parents were in their 60s, they bought a place on Amelia Island, FL. It was their dream home—right on the ocean. Life was good, until their chronic health conditions started to erode their quality of life just a few years later. They were each morbidly obese and had diabetes, heart disease and sleep apnea—my father also had psoriasis, while my mom had COPD and edema in both of her legs. My parents lived right on the ocean but hadn't put a toe in the sand in probably 10 years due to their mobility issues.

"At some point the mama bird has to feed herself or she's not going to be able to get more worms for everyone else."

My siblings and I arranged someone to pay visits to their house and help, but they also needed family assistance, too. We took turns being there as a caregiver, but because of my frequent trips from Georgia to Florida, I missed many important events in my children's lives—holidays, birthdays, and sporting events. You know, the things you really want to be there for as a parent. At the time, my kids were 12 and 14. Friends would ask me, "What teachers do your kids have this year?" And, "What classes are they taking?" I would reply, "I literally have no idea." I had to let things go by the wayside, because you can only be in so many places at once.

I thought of myself as a mama bird, returning to her nest to see all her little ones' mouths open, screaming for food. You're constantly thinking, "Who needs the worm next?" but at some point the mama bird has to feed herself or she's not going to be able to fly off and get more worms for everyone else.

Caregiver Burnout Was Killing Me—Until I Made This Vow (1)

Elizabeth\’s mother

On that day in 2014, eating my chicken fingers and fries, I realized that this wasn't the kind of fuel I needed. I wasn't treating myself right, and found it increasingly difficult to take care of everyone else in the nest. Most of my parents' health problems were caused by their lifestyle choices, and I didn't want to go down the same road. Still, I could see myself slipping in that direction. That day I made a commitment to myself. I would try to find a way to become a healthy, happy caregiver.

The Most Difficult Year

In 2014, my mom was hospitalized, and when she got out of the rehab facility, my dad got an infection and had to be hospitalized, too. Meanwhile, my mother-in-law was battling lung cancer. They were all fighting for their lives, and it felt like everyone in our family needed care—it was all-encompassing.

My father's condition declined very quickly and he passed away in August of that year. Then my mother-in-law died in December. It was a hard time for everyone: My children lost two grandparents in a matter of months, and my husband and I each lost a parent.

My siblings and I realized I couldn't take care of my mother while she living in Florida alone. So, we moved her into assisted living residence near my house in Atlanta, and I became her primary caregiver.

Caregiver Burnout Was Killing Me—Until I Made This Vow (3)

Elizabeth (upper right) with her mom and two sisters

It took some time to get into the groove. My siblings and I basically ripped her out of everything she knew. Not to mention, during this whole process we were all grieving over the loss of my dad. My two sisters came in from out of town and we stayed with her the first few nights, helping her adjust. At these types of homes, though, they require residents to stay on a certain schedule because the staff is trying to take care of so many people at once. So if my mom wasn't ready for a shower when an aide came by, she wouldn't get one that day. Over time, I helped my mom learn the system and also be her own health advocate. But still, every time I said goodbye it felt like I was leaving her alone at the top of Mount Everest.

"Every time I said goodbye it felt like I was leaving my mom alone at the top of Mount Everest."

My mom's mobility issues made it difficult for her to get around, so once a week I would go over and empty her trash cans, clean out her refrigerator, fill her sleep apnea machine with water, and sort her mail. But I wanted to make sure I wasn't just doing chores, but spending quality time there, too. So on Wednesdays I would bring food and the two of us would have a "picnic" and play cards or watch her favorite show, Grace and Frankie.

There was a definite learning curve: I realized that a simple doctor's appointment for my mom might require me to take a half day off work, and that if I needed to call her insurance company, the best time to do so was on my lunch break, rather than after work when I couldn't get in touch with anyone. One of my friends, amazed by all I was juggling, said I was getting my master's degree in caregiving.

Fitting In Healthy

While trying to figure out my "new normal" with my mom, I also tried to figure out my "new normal" healthy lifestyle. I have hypothyroidism, plus depression and anxiety run in my family; I also gained more weight than I was comfortable with during my road trips back and forth to Florida. My parents never focused on their own self-care, so for me, it was really a wake-up call to watch their decline and realize the same would happen to me if I didn't change course.

The first thing I did was hold myself accountable. I saw my cousin posting a picture each day on Instagram, which she called "100 days of happy." I decided to do something similar, and called my challenge "100 days of healthy." I posted a healthy food or activity every day–even if it was something as simple as drinking water. I tried to take advantage of any moment I could find, like going on a walk around the doctor's office while my mom was at an appointment. As a goal-oriented person, I didn't want to miss a day—and it helped me realize that there are so many ways I could fit in healthy activities.

Caregiver Burnout Was Killing Me—Until I Made This Vow (5)

Elizabeth on a hike

I also challenged myself to meditate more. I had tried in the past, but it never quite stuck. I knew this time had to be different. Part of what makes caregiving so difficult is the mental burden, and I wanted to lift at least some of it. In the beginning I meditated 10 minutes once or twice each week, and even with that short amount of time I could feel the benefits. Meditating really helps me put life in perspective and not feel like my fuse is so short and that I'm going to "lose it" at any moment. Things tend to roll off me easier. I'm now up to meditating three times per week.

With all of my caregiving duties, I could tell my friendships were suffering. I would hear, "We never see you!" regularly, and I had to deal with so much friend guilt. But I know how important friendship is for happiness and support, so I decided to start doing "twofers." I live near a trail, so I invited friends to walk on the trail with me. I would get my exercise in, and have a meaningful catch-up along the way.

"I wasn't perfect but I was getting to the point where I'd look in the mirror and say, 'I've done the best I can today.'"

Next on the docket: Sleep. I wanted to focus on getting enough, because when I'm well-rested, I feel better and have more energy to give to other people. I took a serious look at my calendar, and figured out what to move around so I could log seven hours. I also made a point to find a pocket of time to fit in meal prepping. No one loves to do it, but my weeks have such a better rhythm when I plan things out ahead of time. It doesn't have to take hours—it's more about just jotting down, "this is the protein and vegetable we are going to eat this week" and "for breakfast I'm going to switch between a yogurt parfait and a smoothie." My husband now helps me prep, and he is seeing the benefits of eating healthier as well.

Caregiver Burnout Was Killing Me—Until I Made This Vow (7)

Elizabeth with her family at a local 5k event

All of these steps I've taken toward better health have paid off. Even during such a busy time in my life I was able to lose 15% body fat and build muscle.

Sure, I never felt like I was the "perfect" fitness person or healthy eater. And I wasn't an all-star at work or parent or daughter of the year. But I was getting to the point where I'd look in the mirror and say "I've done the best I can today."

Following My Passion

During the early stages of my time as a caregiver, I felt so overwhelmed and isolated, like I was the only person in the world going through this. Thankfully I did have my siblings and a couple friends with similar experiences, but for the most part, it was hard for people to understand my life. There are so many books to prepare you to be a parent, but I couldn't find any to help prepare me to be a caregiver.

I also found that it's really difficult to take care of your own health and happiness as a caregiver. We just give, give, give to others, but not to ourselves. So, I felt the need to create a site where caregivers can connect and share stories, and also remind each other that's okay to take care of yourself, too. I called the site HealthyHappyCaregiver.com, named after the vow I made to myself, and what I hope can be possible for other family caregivers. It's more of a digital meeting place, because it's often so hard to find a few hours as a caregiver to meet in person.

"There are so many books to prepare you to be a parent, but I couldn't find any to help prepare me to be a caregiver."

Most of all, I wanted to share small, healthy habits on the site, that women can start incorporating today. So often we'll say, "I'll have me-time at that girl's night, or on that beach weekend," but those types of events only happen a few times a year, at most.

Caregiver Burnout Was Killing Me—Until I Made This Vow (9)

Elizabeth at a booth to promote HealthyHappyCaregiver.com

No caregiver can predict how long their journey of taking care of a loved one is going to be. Your caregiving role could last for six months or 10 years. You can't let your health go until things get less stressful—because you may end up being a caregiver for a really long time.

Making It All Work

Through this process, I've learned that if you make your health a priority, you become less resentful as a caregiver. You bring more joy to everything that you do, and feel more confident in the decisions you make for your family.

Caregiver Burnout Was Killing Me—Until I Made This Vow (11)

Elizabeth with her son and mother

About a year and a half ago, my sister went through a divorce, and soon after invited my mother to come live at home with her, in Pennsylvania. My sister has become my mom's primary caregiver—I at first felt guilty handing over this huge "boulder of responsibilities." But she's on top of it all, and I'm relieved to know my mother is in good hands. I can tell my mom is happy living with my sister, and her diabetes is even more under control than it was at her assisted living home.

I currently serve as an emotionally supportive caregiver, while my sister is more hands on. I look back fondly on many of those times my mom and I spent together when I was her primary caregiver. My mission now is to give back to other caregivers through my site, so they also can find ways to live healthy, happy lives.

Caregiver Burnout Was Killing Me—Until I Made This Vow (2024)

FAQs

How long does it take to recover from caregiver burnout? ›

Unfortunately, there's no set timeline for recovery from caregiver burnout. Some people can recover in a few days, and others can take years. Every person is different, and they need different things. If you're suffering from caregiver burnout and doing what you can to recover, take the time you need.

What are 2 things caregiver burnout may lead to? ›

Caregivers who are "burned out" may experience fatigue, stress, anxiety and depression.

How do I get over my caregiver burnout? ›

Strategies for dealing with caregiver stress
  1. Accept help. ...
  2. Focus on what you are able to provide. ...
  3. Set realistic goals. ...
  4. Get connected. ...
  5. Join a support group. ...
  6. Seek social support. ...
  7. Set personal health goals. ...
  8. See your doctor.

Can you get PTSD from being a caregiver? ›

Indeed, family caregivers, while struggling to adjust to new responsibilities and roles [5], may experience negative psychological outcomes that include new or worsening depression, anxiety, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms [6].

How do I get my life back after being a caregiver? ›

It takes time to adjust to “normal life” after caregiving ends, but these 10 tips can ease the transition:
  1. Resume your hobbies. ...
  2. Re-establish positive relationships. ...
  3. Take care of your body. ...
  4. Go back to work. ...
  5. Support a cause or help others. ...
  6. Write in a journal. ...
  7. Learn to cope with the fear that the cancer may come back.
Jun 27, 2017

When should you stop being a caregiver? ›

Signs such as avoiding the loved one, anger, fatigue, depression, impaired sleep, poor health, irritability or that terrible sense that there is “no light at the end of the tunnel” are warnings that the caregiver needs time off and support with caregiving responsibilities.

What is caretaker syndrome? ›

Caregiver stress syndrome or burnout is defined as a state of emotional, mental, or physical exhaustion that can affect that person's ability to give care. After all, serving as a caregiver is highly demanding, making it difficult for the one providing care to tend to their own needs first.

What is the difference between caregiver stress and caregiver burnout? ›

But for many caregivers, stress induced by caregiving responsibilities often goes on daily for many years, snowballing into chronic stress. Caregiver burnout refers to episodes when chronic stress climaxes into feelings of physical and mental exhaustion, inability to cope, and sometimes hopelessness.

What do caregivers need most? ›

What do caregivers need most?
  1. Help with caregiving. ...
  2. More financial support. ...
  3. Emotional support. ...
  4. Recognition and understanding. ...
  5. Time to recharge.
Nov 2, 2015

What does compassion fatigue look like? ›

Watch for these symptoms of compassion fatigue

Feeling helpless, hopeless or powerless. Feeling irritable, angry, sad or numb. A sense of being detached or having decreased pleasure in activities. Ruminating about the suffering of others and feeling anger towards the events or people causing the suffering.

How do you fix mentally and emotionally exhausted? ›

11 ways to overcome mental exhaustion
  1. Eliminate the stressor.
  2. Work-life balance.
  3. Clear your space.
  4. Schedule (and take) regular breaks.
  5. Get outside.
  6. Do something new.
  7. Reduce screen time.
  8. Find positive ways to distract yourself.

How do I stop being resentful as a caregiver? ›

3 ways to combat caregiver resentment:
  1. Take Care of Yourself First. At the start of every commercial flight, the flight attendant instructs you to put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others in the event of an emergency. ...
  2. Take a Break. ...
  3. Find Support.
Feb 15, 2017

What should you not say to a caregiver? ›

10 Things You Should NEVER Say to a Caregiver
  • YOU LOOK TIRED. ...
  • I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT! ...
  • YOUR FATHER USED TO BE A GREAT GUY. ...
  • GOD DOESN'T GIVE YOU MORE THAT YOU CAN'T HANDLE. ...
  • IT TAKES A SPECIAL PERSON TO DO THIS JOB. ...
  • YOU WILL GET YOUR REWARD IN HEAVEN. ...
  • CALL ME IF YOU NEED ANYTHING. ...
  • IT IS ALL FOR THE BEST.
Jan 27, 2020

What is a caregiver nervous breakdown? ›

Caregiver stress syndrome is a condition characterized by physical, mental and emotional exhaustion. It typically results from a person neglecting their own physical and emotional health because they are focused on caring for an ill, injured or disabled loved one.

What is psychological burden of caregivers? ›

Caregiver burden is defined as the all-encompassing challenges felt by caregivers with respect to their physical and emotional well-being, family relations, and work and financial status (Pearlin et al., 1990; Zarit et al., 1985).

Can being a caregiver cause mental illness? ›

You may find that the challenges you face when looking after someone else can make you feel low or depressed. You might develop unhelpful coping strategies to deal with difficult feelings. For example using drugs or alcohol, or eating more or less than you need to.

Can caregiver burnout lead to abuse? ›

Caregiver burnout can lead to neglect and abuse for those whom they are caring for. It is a serious public health issue and too often goes unnoticed as caregivers tend to isolate themselves, especially when they are stressed.

What is the hardest responsibility of a caregiver? ›

Stress – Taking care of a loved one and being responsible for their health can be very stressful. There are a lot of tasks to juggle, from managing medications to helping with getting dressed or bathing. If you're feeling stressed, try to set aside little breaks throughout the day.

How do I let go of caregiver guilt? ›

Talk to a professional if necessary to make the best decision for both you and your loved one. Reach out for support from family and friends; seek caregiver support groups or professional help to work through your feelings of guilt. Know that you are not alone in your caregiving journey and the help is available.

Is being a caregiver lonely? ›

LONELINESS IN CAREGIVERS

Many caregivers are much more lonely, isolated, or disconnected than we realize. This is caused by a withdrawal from their previous routines, lifestyles, and social activities in order to focus on their family member or other care recipient.

Do caregivers age faster? ›

Caregivers with discordant levels of stress and strain (i.e., low perceived stress/high strain) compared with low stress/low strain had the shortest RTL (difference = −0.24; P = 0.02, Pinteraction = 0.13), corresponding to approximately 10–15 additional years of aging.

How old are most caregivers? ›

The average age of a family caregiver is 49 — but nearly 10% are seniors themselves. Caregivers over the age of 75 are most likely taking care of a spouse or partner.

Is it wrong to not want to be a caregiver? ›

Deciding not to be a primary caregiver does not make a person selfish. If you know that this commitment is not something that you want to take on, it is very important to talk to your family and help them find a new arrangement.

What is a narcissistic caregiver? ›

Traits of the Narcissist's Caretakers

They are groomed to feel special through helping. They are groomed to see themselves as heroic saviors. They are highly empathetic. They are out of touch with their own needs or believe they are unimportant. They believe they don't deserve better.

What are the signs of caregiver burnout? ›

14 Warning Signs of Caregiver Burnout
  • Lack of energy.
  • Overwhelming fatigue.
  • Sleep problems (too much or too little)
  • Changes in eating habits; weight loss or gain.
  • A feeling of hopelessness.
  • Withdrawing from, or losing interest in, activities you once enjoyed.
  • Neglecting your own physical and emotional needs.

What are the 4 types of caretakers? ›

What Are 4 Common Types of Caregivers?
  • Family Caregiver. Family caregivers have played an essential role in society for centuries. ...
  • Private Duty Caregiver. ...
  • Home Health Care Caregivers. ...
  • Virtual Caregivers.
Jan 12, 2022

Do caregivers get resentful? ›

Anger and resentment are very natural and expected responses to long-term caregiving, especially in caring for aged parents. You can feel these feelings and still be a good caregiver. The trick is to recognize the triggers and learn how to manage your emotions before they take you over.

Why is being a caregiver so hard? ›

Caregiving is often a full-time job that can impact your health and well-being, job performance and overall life balance. It can lead to stress, anger or resentment, and it sometimes can feel like the relationship you have with the family member in your care is now an obligation.

Why do caregivers suffer from depression? ›

Caregiver depression may result from the many challenges involved in taking care of someone who is ill. Part of the stress caregivers may feel can stem from concerns over a loved one's safety, personality changes, and health concerns. Self-care measures may help a person cope and prevent depression.

What six characteristics do effective caregivers have? ›

Personality Traits of a Good Caregiver
  • Patience. People who need care often take longer to complete simple tasks. ...
  • Compassion. Empathy and understanding are absolutely necessary. ...
  • Humor. ...
  • Being Present. ...
  • Detail Oriented. ...
  • Able to Accept Help. ...
  • Willing to Set Boundaries. ...
  • Cooperative.

What makes a good caregiver? ›

a good caregiver is attentive and responds to situations in a timely manner. A patient, especially the elderly, needs constant care and attention. It's the caregiver's job, therefore, to be attuned to those needs even if the patient doesn't or is unable to communicate them.

What are 4 warning signs of fatigue? ›

Symptoms of fatigue
  • chronic tiredness or sleepiness.
  • headache.
  • dizziness.
  • sore or aching muscles.
  • muscle weakness.
  • slowed reflexes and responses.
  • impaired decision-making and judgement.
  • moodiness, such as irritability.

Who suffers most from compassion fatigue? ›

Compassion fatigue can affect the most dedicated workers—people who continue to help by working extra shifts or foregoing days off, neglecting their own self-care.

What are the 4 stages of compassion fatigue? ›

Zaparanick says that individuals afflicted with compassion fatigue typically go through four phases: zealot or idealistic phase; withdrawal phase; irritability phase and zombie phase.

Why am I so messed up mentally? ›

Feeling heightened emotions or like you're unable to control your emotions can come down to diet choices, genetics, or stress. It can also be due to an underlying health condition, such as a mood disorder or hormones.

Am I emotionally burnt out? ›

Being burned out means feeling empty and mentally exhausted, devoid of motivation, and beyond caring. People experiencing burnout often don't see any hope of positive change in their situations. If excessive stress feels like you're drowning in responsibilities, burnout is a sense of being all dried up.

How do I stop being numb? ›

How to deal with numbness long term
  1. Try talk therapy. A doctor or psychiatrist may recommend psychotherapy, or talk therapy, to work through the challenges in your life. ...
  2. Visit a psychiatrist. ...
  3. Meet with a doctor. ...
  4. Start a meditation practice. ...
  5. Attend a yoga class.
Jun 7, 2021

How long does it take to get over caregiver burnout? ›

Unfortunately, there's no one answer to how long feelings of burnout will last. Caregiver burnout results from the stress built up over months and even years. It rarely comes on suddenly and won't leave that way either. If you can get the support you and your loved one need, it will get better, though.

Why I quit being a caregiver? ›

Poor communication in the workplace, a lack of recognition, no appreciation, and maintaining demanding work schedules. These are the reasons why caregivers quit and it's not that all of them quit voluntarily.

What are the consequences of caregiver stress? ›

Effects of Chronic Stress

Prolonged caregiver stress can lead to problems with your physical and emotional wellbeing. Chronic stress releases stress hormones that lead to exhaustion, irritability, a weakened immune system, sleep disturbances, digestive distress, headaches, and changes in weight.

How do you fight a caregiver burnout? ›

Strategies for dealing with caregiver stress
  1. Accept help. ...
  2. Focus on what you are able to provide. ...
  3. Set realistic goals. ...
  4. Get connected. ...
  5. Join a support group. ...
  6. Seek social support. ...
  7. Set personal health goals. ...
  8. See your doctor.

Can you have PTSD from being a caregiver? ›

Indeed, family caregivers, while struggling to adjust to new responsibilities and roles [5], may experience negative psychological outcomes that include new or worsening depression, anxiety, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms [6].

What is caregiver burnout called? ›

Caregiver syndrome or caregiver stress is a condition that strongly manifests exhaustion, anger, rage, or guilt resulting from unrelieved caring for a chronically ill patient.

Can you have caregiver PTSD? ›

Caregiver PTSD (particularly for family caregivers) is a prevalent mental health condition that impacts many people who are caregivers for elderly relatives, terminally ill relatives or other family members.

What is the difference between caregiver burnout and caregiver fatigue? ›

Compassion fatigue is a condition beyond burnout, which describes a stage of extreme tension and stress. Unlike burnout, compassion fatigue is a secondary stress disorder caused by exposure to the traumatic experiences of the person who they are acting as caregiver for.

How does caregiver burnout affect patients? ›

If the stress of caregiving is left unchecked, it can take a toll on your health, relationships, and state of mind—eventually leading to burnout, a state of emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion. And when you get to that point, both you and the person you're caring for suffer.

What is the difference between compassion fatigue and caregiver burnout? ›

The difference between compassion fatigue and burnout is their origin. More specifically, compassion fatigue originates from dealing with victims of trauma, and burnout originates from occupational stress and being overworked.

When should a caregiver give up? ›

Signs such as avoiding the loved one, anger, fatigue, depression, impaired sleep, poor health, irritability or that terrible sense that there is “no light at the end of the tunnel” are warnings that the caregiver needs time off and support with caregiving responsibilities.

When being a caregiver is too much? ›

Some of the most common signs of caregiver burn out include: No time left for a balance—social life, fitness, personal time. Changes in your appetite, resulting in either weight loss or weight gain. Decreased immunity.

What is caregiver resentment? ›

Caregiver resentment is a feeling of unfairness or irritation. If you are a reluctant caregiver, caring for a relative more out of obligation than love, you may resent the person you care for. If you are the only one providing care, you may resent others for not pitching in.

What are the 2 common stressors as caregiver? ›

Caregiver stress syndrome is strongly associated with negative health outcomes. Between 40 to 70% of caregivers suffer from depression, while many caregivers also have anxiety as a result of the stress associated with providing care. Anger and irritability are also common symptoms of caregiver stress syndrome.

What is caregiver burnout lack of empathy? ›

What is compassion fatigue? While burnout occurs over time as a caregiver feels overwhelmed by the stress of caring for a loved one, compassion fatigue happens suddenly. It's the loss of the ability to empathize and have compassion for other people, including the person you're caring for.

Why being a caregiver is hard? ›

Caregiving is also hard because you often see many changes in your loved one: The person you're caring for may not know you anymore. He or she may be too ill to talk or follow simple requests. He or she may have behavior problems, like yelling, hitting, or wandering away from home.

What does caregiver burnout feel like? ›

Caregivers who are "burned out" may have fatigue, stress, anxiety, and depression. Many caregivers also feel guilty if they spend time on themselves rather than on their ill or elderly loved ones.

Why do caregivers get depressed? ›

Caregiver depression may result from the many challenges involved in taking care of someone who is ill. Part of the stress caregivers may feel can stem from concerns over a loved one's safety, personality changes, and health concerns. Self-care measures may help a person cope and prevent depression.

What are the 5 stages of compassion fatigue? ›

Were do you land on the compassion fatigue trajectory?
  • The Zealot Phase – you know who you are! ...
  • The Irritability Phase – hmm… ...
  • The Withdrawal Phase – uh oh – something is not right. ...
  • The Zombie Phase – there's nothing fun about the zombie phase! ...
  • Pathology & Victimization VS.
Jun 9, 2013

What are the 3 types of symptoms in compassion fatigue? ›

Watch for these symptoms of compassion fatigue

Feeling physical, psychological and emotional exhaustion.

References

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